‘New Year’s Eve’ really drops the ball

At least three members (Robert De Niro, Halle Berry and Hilary Swank) of the ensemble in New Year’s Eve have won Academy Awards. But those accolades don’t count for much when you’re dealing with a script as clichéd and hackneyed as the one that Katherine Fugate (Valentine’s Day) penned for this Garry Marshall romantic comedy that falls flat despite the caliber of its cast.

Essentially a series of vignettes that plays like an overpopulated and overly meaningful episode of Love, American Style, New Year’s Eve boasts so many storylines, it’s virtually impossible to list them all. One main thread revolves around Claire Morgan (Swank), the new Vice President of Times Square Alliance. She must make sure everything goes smoothly for the big ball drop. When the ball shorts out, she’s forced to call in Kominsky (Hector Elizondo), a grumpy old electrician who was fired in the hope he can save the day. That’s just one of the tedious subplots in this tiresome film.

Other storylines: a protective mother (Sarah Jessica Parker) tries to keep her teenage daughter (Abigail Breslin) from joining up with her friends for a NYE party; a caterer (Katherine Heigl) attempts to come to terms with her rock star ex-boyfriend (Jon Bon Jovi) who has struggled with commitment issues; a sardonic visual artist (Austin Kutcher) gets stuck in an elevator with a back-up singer (Lea Michele) and the two hit it off despite their differences; a couple (Jessica Biel and Seth Myers) do their best to be the first birth on New Year’s to win a $25,000 prize; and a bike messenger (Zac Efron) tries to help a repressed woman (Michelle Pfeiffer) fulfill all her resolutions before the clock strikes midnight.

While some of the vignettes intersect, this is Times Square we’re talking about and you can easily get lost in the hoopla. That’s why a broadcast speech Claire makes to journalists who question her about the snafu with the ball serves as the film’s centerpiece. She maintains that New Year’s Eve isn’t just about partying but about getting your life’s priorities in order. Fittingly, by the movie’s end, everyone here gets a kiss from someone they care about. Even a hospital nurse (Berry) is able connect online with her significant other (Common) stationed in the Middle East.

Like a flashy, PG rendition of Sex and the City, New Year’s Eve is a love letter to New York City. The behind-the-scenes look at the celebration of celebrations is interesting, even if it’s fictional. Too bad it’s just so difficult to care about the characters that inhabit the countdown world.